The theory on alcohol

It is commonly assumed that alcohol consumption affects the mental faculties in a negative way. In the short term this is undoubtedly true; most people have had the experience of drinking themselves back to the monkey-state, where only the most basic and animal-like cerebral functions operate, such as grunting, drooling, and walking on all fours. This condition is luckily only temporary, and usually goes away after a good night's sleep. Unfortunately, some scientists claim that a prolonged alcohol consumption invariably reduces the mental faculties in the long term. This erroneous assertion is fortunately easy to refute: 

Consider the following: Pro primo, that the brain is a network of cells, through which information is exchanged. This neural network operates under the same conditions as, say, a computer network, and thus cannot operate considerably faster than its slowest connection. A computer network, which primarily consists of optic fibres and superconductors cannot function at its optimum if it contains a slow analogue phone connection somewhere, which slows down the entire traffic. This also applies within neurology: The brain cannot work much faster than the slowest brain cells. 

If we furthermore, pro secundo, consider that, when organisms are subjected to detrimental stimuli, like alcohol (which admittedly is a poisonous substance), it is always the weakest organisms that succumb first. The end result of prolonged alcohol consumption must therefore be, after the brain's slowest and least viable cells are eradicated, that the brain will start working faster and more efficiently. Hence, we can logically conclude that alcohol in the long term actually enhances the intelligence. Quod erat demonstrandum. Gaudeamus igitur!